I am angry. I am hurt, deeply. I am experiencing disillusionment with my Church.
The better part of the last two weeks I was on pilgrimage in the Holy Land with our Bishop Vasquez, another priest and over 30 other members of our Diocese. Then, last week the news surfaced regarding of Cardinal McCarrick and, and then the 300 priests accused of sexual abuse in Pennsylvania.
While on pilgrimage, Bishop Vasquez wrote the letter we all heard last week, read it at our Sunday Masses. We also read it at the Convent of Our Lady of Palestine, just outside Jerusalem. You hear the words, and then the sour feeling in our stomachs began to appear. How do we receive and reconcile that news? One person on our pilgrimage said what many were thinking, “I thought after the scandalous news surrounding the revelations in 2002 and the Charter of the Bishops, that the scandal was finally behind us. But, not so, it appears.
The response of the Church after 2002 included a series of policies and programs that appear to be working, but only for the lay people and priests. Our Diocesan program of “Protecting God’s Children” or “EIM” (Ethics in Ministry) appears to be working. Sister Olga runs our program here in the parish and every minister in our parish is required to take EIM, including the mandatory police background checks. We are doing it.
But, let’s be honest. All those programs were only for lay people and priests and deacons. The current revelation of betrayal shows that nothing was ever done for bishop accountability. Now we are paying the price for that failure, with more and more revelations regarding bishop cover-ups. My pain is not because Bishops abused children or broke their vows of chastity. My pain, and the pain of many is that bishops protected the abusers with a system of silence and cover-ups and reassignments of the abusers, who went on to abuse more victims. These were false shepherds protecting the wolves, not the sheep.
My pain is that the current news of 300 priests abusing 1,000 or more children was only for the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania. There are 49 other states where sex abuse by clergy has not been revealed, by bishops who knew about it. This means that we have 49 other states, some 300 dioceses, which are still living with Episcopal cover-up. This also means that the victims of this abuse have to relive this pain all over again as this story emerges in the aftermath of the grand jury report.
This revelation, in addition to many others is tearing our Church apart. Instead of giving care and protection, our Church is rightly accused of abuse and cover-up, while ignoring and mistreating the victims, making them the “bad guys”.
I don’t even have words for my feelings. I am in pain for the victims. I am pain for our Church. Many more will leave the Church or stop supporting our Church. I cannot find a remedy for my pain. I am embarrassed for our Church.
Has something like this ever happened in our Church in earlier times? I think our Scriptures today say, “Yes”.
Joshua replaced Moses after Moses’ death. Joshua led the nation of Israel back into the Promised Land. He quickly learned that the Israelites could not occupy that Promised Land without firm loyalty to God and a willingness to protect the land against the pagans who were there before them. The Israelites left a very pagan, abusive Egypt, only to find themselves surrounded by more pagan religions in the “Promised Land”. Joshua foresaw the potential corruption of the Israelites that would come over and over again as the Old Testament unfolded, with constant exposure to pagan practices and challenges to their faith. Joshua called all the Israelite leaders and people together to make this point crystal clear.
“If it does not please you to serve the LORD,
decide today whom you will serve,
the gods your fathers served beyond the River
or the gods of the Amorites in whose country you are now dwelling. As for me and my household, we will serve the LORD.”
That purpose united them to face the temptations they would encounter in this new land.
When Jesus revealed the teachings of the Holy Eucharist it shocked many who could not accept his teaching that we must eat his Body and drink his Blood, if we want to have eternal life in us.
Many of Jesus’ disciples who were listening said,
“This saying is hard; who can accept it?”
We read,
As a result of this,
many of his disciples returned to their former way of life
and no longer accompanied him.
This is not unlike the responses to the Church at the time of many heresies in our past, and later, the Protestant reformation. Many chose to leave the Church and the Sacramental Life of the Church over the widespread abuses of many bishops, cardinals and popes of that time of the Protestant revolt. Satan has long sought to attack and divide the Church with corruption and division, and separate believers from the Sacraments. Over the past 500 years, most Protestant churches have abandoned most of the Sacraments, including the Eucharist, Confession and Holy Orders, Anointing of the Sick.
Listen to the conversation of Jesus with the Twelve,
“Do you also want to leave?”
Simon Peter answered him, “Master, to whom shall we go?
You have the words of eternal life.
We have come to believe
and are convinced that you are the Holy One of God.”
Yes, I am hurt and disillusioned over recent events, but to whom would I go? To the Protestant Church? I believe too firmly in the Sacraments of the Church. Look where the devil has attacked us! Satan is attacking the very source of Sacraments, bishops and priests! Satan is attacking our faith.
I feel betrayed, but not abandoned. Only a minority of priests and bishops have betrayed their flock, perhaps around 5%. The bad bishops and priests are not the Church! Judas Iscariot was not the Church, but a false apostle. I would hate to be tricked into condemning all priests and bishops over these reports. I have known too many holy priests and bishops. Yesterday we prayed at the funeral for one of my heroes, Bishop John McCarthy, who ordained me to the Permanent Diaconate. Bishop Joe Vasquez is a Holy man, as is Bishop Danny. Our Diocese has been blessed with some holy shepherds. I cannot turn my back on the goodness in our Church. I will not join the betrayers.
What am I going to do? I’m going to “double-down”. I have to become a better priest, more committed to my Bishop, my Church and to you, my parish.
God has blessed me with conversion to the Catholic faith. God has blessed me with a wonderful marriage with a faithful Catholic wife who bore our children. After becoming a widower, God has blessed me with the possibility of serving our Church as a priest of the Church.
What am I going to do? First, I am going to respond like St. Peter, even with his words,
“Master, to whom shall we go?
You have the words of eternal life.
We have come to believe
and are convinced that you are the Holy One of God.”
This is the only response I have, to try to live a more holy life, and resist with all my soul the temptation to betray you and my Church for the crimes of a few. God, please protect your Church.